Metal Gear Solid 4: Blissfully Cut
by millenium-writer
Summary: Some things are better off left alone. What things? In what situations? Personal feelings during a mission. Why? Because otherwise this happens.
1. Sound Bite

KSSSST... 

Bwip.

(Snake.) "This is Snake, I'm in."

(Meryl.) "I read you Snake, how's everything look?"

(Snake.) "There's a few guards patroling around, but it's nothing to worry about."

(Raiden.) "Snake, I'm at the first watch tower, everythi-"

(Meryl.) "Allright Snake, be carefu-"

(Raiden.) "Hey! I was talking! Snake, who the hell does she think she is?"

(Snake.) "That's-"

(Meryl.) "Who the hell am I? Who the hell is she?"

(Raiden.) "She? Me?"

(Snake.) "Sh-"

(Meryl.) "Ok, so she's got nicer hair, and her breasts are nearly as big as mine, but honestly Snake, you don't like her better, do you?"

(Raiden.) "What!"

(Snake.) "Uhhh..."

(Meryl.) "Well Snake?"

(Raiden.) "..."

(Snake.) "Uh..."

(Meryl.) "Well?"

(Snake.) "Raiden, help me out here."

(Raiden.) "You can't possibly like that bitchy redhead more than me, right Snake?"

(Snake.) "!"

(Meryl.) "Bitchy red- Oooh, you're asking for it, you bleached blonde!"

(Raiden.) "Bleached! I'm a natural blonde!"

(Snake.) "Otacon, a little help here?"

(Otacon.) "Shhh, Patlabor the movie."

(Snake.) "?"


	2. Metal Gear?

KSSSSST...

BWIP.

(Otacon.) "Snake, I've done some checking around in the network, it seems these guys are devloping a new model of Metal Gear and-"

(Snake.) "Metal Gear?"

(Otacon.) "Yes, their new Metal Gear design seems to be ba-"

(Snake.) "Metal Gear?"

(Otacon.) "Snake, please stop, don't keep saying 'Metal Gear' everyti-"

(Snake.) "Metal Gear?"

(Otacon.) "Snake!"

(Snake.) "What?"

(Otacon.) "You do this everytime Snake! It wasn't funny four years ago on that tanker, and it's not funny now."

(Snake.) "Ok Otacon, I'm sorry."

(Otacon.) "Now, this new type of Gear is ba-"

(Snake.) "What kind of Gear?"

(Otacon.) "..."

(Snake.) "..."

(Otacon.) "What?"

(Snake.) "What kind of Gear is it?"

(Otacon.) "Snake, you know what kind of Gear it is."

(Snake.) "No, I don't, you said it was a new kind, it could be made out of anything."

(Otacon.) "Snake, there's only one thing they make Gears out of."

(Snake.) "The world is changing Otacon, maybe they've thought of using plastics. They are recyclable."

(Otacon.) "..."

(Snake.) "So, what kind of Gear is it?"

(Otacon.) "..."

(Snake.) "..."

(Otacon.) "..."

(Snake.) "..."

(Otacon.) "Sigh. It's a Metal Gear."

(Snake.) "Ok."

(Otacon.) "What?"

(Snake.) "It's not plastic, I got it."

(Otacon.) "But you-"

(Snake.) "Are you going to tell me where it is now?"

(Otacon.) "It's... On sub-basement 5, south wing."

(Snake.) "Sub-basement 5, south wing. Got it. Snake out."

(Otacon.) "...Weird, I thought for sure that he'd say "Metal Gear?" like he allwa-"

(Snake.) "Metal Gear?"

(Otacon.) "That's it! I quit!" 


	3. Guns and Booze

KSSSST... 

BWIP.

(Snake.) "Otacon, I've reached sub-basement five, of the south wing... Looks like they've got some heavy security here."

(Meryl.) "Ok, I'm in position everyone, making my move in two."

(Raiden.) "Right."

(Otacon.) "Be careful guys, these terrorists are well funded, with the latest in millitary hardwa-"

(Raiden.) "If they've got the latest military hardware, how come the perimeter guards allways have AK's or M16's?"

(Otacon.) "Uuuhhh..."

(Snake.) "Yeah, I've allways wondered that myself."

(Otacon.) "Well, you see-"

(Raiden.) "And if they're such great soldiers, why is it so damn easy to sneak up on them and snap their necks?"

(Otacon.) "Er-"

(Snake.) "Good question, I get the walkman guys, can't hear me over their 80's hip-hop. I've allways been more of a 'K.C. and the Sunshine band' guy myself."

(Raiden.) "Aren't they ex-military special forces?"

(Snake.) "No, those are the guys who jump onto the moving elevators that you're thinking of."

(Raiden.) "Oh... Ok, so why do these guys have walkmans on duty?"

(Snake.) "Why do you think they're _ex_-military?"

(Raiden.) "At least it explains why those guys are allways in charge of guarding carboard boxes, kitchens, and the hallways with the broken doors at the end."

(Snake.) "No kidding."

(Raiden.) "Hey, why are there so few female terrorists? I've only ever met one... No wait, two, forgot Fortune, heh."

(Otacon.) "Not going to count the crazy A.I. Raiden?"

(Raiden.) "Don't be gross, you can't make out with a computer program."

(Otacon.) "Don't you have a girlfriend?"

(Raiden.) "Things can change between videogames."

(Otacon.) "Wha?"

(Snake.) "Thats not the point anyways, you need something easy on the eyes sometimes."

(Raiden.) "Like Vamp?"

(Snake.) "Ugh."

(Raiden.) "I ment as a target."

(Snake.) "Oh...Right, good point."

(Meryl.) "Ok, going in, cover me."

(Raiden.) "What is up with the AK's anyways? They're not that great."

(Snake.) "They have a great rate of fire, and don't jam too easily."

(Raiden.) "You wouldn't think so, from watching movies."

(Otacon.) "No kidding."

(Snake.) "Not to mention that while they can hold a fairly large amount of ammo in an extended clip, it's not NEARLY deep enough to cover a twenty foot length of wall with bullet holes."

(Raiden.) "I've heard good things about the P-90."

(Otacon.) "The what?"

(Raiden.) "The gun off of Stargate."

(Otacon.) "I thought that was the MP5?"

(Meryl.) "Taking heavy fire! Where's my cover!"

(Raiden.) "That was in the first two seasons. The later one, it looked like a rectangle."

(Otacon.) "Oh, right, I know which one you mean."

(Raiden.) "No comments Snake?"

(Snake.) "I liked the episode where Jack juggles."

(Otacon.) "Window of opportunity?"

(Snake.) "Yeah, that one."

(Raiden.) "I ment about the gun."

(Snake.) "Oh, uh..."

(Raiden.) "I thought you knew everything that had to do with the military?"

(Otacon.) "The well dries up if you go to it one too many times Raiden."

(Snake.) "It's not exactly a general issue gun. And Nato has yet to pass 5.7 calibur rounds, since one of the new rounds seems to be a favorite, it may never pass."

(Raiden.) "Isn't it an armor piercing gun?"

(Meryl.) "My AR's jammed!"

(Snake.) "Not specificly, it can penetrate a titanium plate at over two hundered meters however."

(Raiden.) "Very nice."

(Otacon.) "Solidus and the Tengu soldiers on Arsenal Gear had P-90's now that I think about it."

(Raiden.) "Yeah, but Solidus must have had HEAT rounds."

(Otacon.) "HEAT rounds?"

(Snake.) "High Explosive Anti Tank rounds."

(Otacon.) "Oh."

(Meryl.) "I'm down to my Desert Eagle!"

(Raiden.) "That's a pretty good gun too, made in Iraq?"

(Snake.) "St. Paul, Minnesota, actully, Israel Military Industries put on the finishing touches. It was first chambered in-"

(Meryl.) "Will you three shup up and F$#&ing _HELP ME_!"

(Otacon.) "!"

(Snake.) "!"

(Raiden.) "Shup up? Are you drunk again?"


	4. Bad Graphics

KSSSST...

BWIP.

(Snake.) "Ok, we've disabled security, knocked out-"

(Raiden.) "Or killed."

(Meryl.) "Don't you mean _and_ killed?"

(Snake.) "... The guards. We've all loaded up on ammo."

(Raiden.) "Except for the walking embodiment of pissed-ness. They didn't carry any DE ammo, and she broke her rifle."

(Meryl.) "I saved your life!"

(Raiden.) "Please, he had a ration tin. What was he going to do, _feed_ me to death?"

(Otacon.) "Actually, over eating and gorging can have many neg-"

(Snake.) "Now's not a good time Otacon."

(Otacon.) "It's never a good time when I have lines, is it Snake?"

(Meryl.) "You could at least show some gratitude!"

(Raiden.) "For saving me from lunch? Oh yeah, thanks a lot."

(Otacon.) "Don't think I haven't noticed how you always hit Triangle whenever I have something to say."

(Snake.) "Triangle?"

(Meryl.) "Fine! The next time you need help, save yourself! Or better yet, don't."

(Raiden.) "Real clever, how long have you been waiting to dust off that old chestnut?"

(Otacon.) "And how you hit Start everytime I voice-over a cutscene!"

(Snake.) "?"

(Meryl.) "About as long as you've have breast implants."

(Raiden.) "What!"

(Snake.) "!"

(Otacon.) "What about the time you left me on Shadow Moses for the walking mental disorder?"

(Snake.) "I told you, I did it for the Infinite Ammo. I saved you the second time, didn't I?"

(Meryl.) "You heard me."

(Raiden.) "You stuck up-"

(Otacon.) "But the Stealth Camouflage makes you the ultimate sneaking agent."

(Raiden.) "Over sexed-"

(Snake.) "It doesn't work on bosses though."

(Otacon.) "Oh... Right."

(Raiden.) "Flat chested-"

(Snake.) "Hey, did anyone remember to disable the video cameras?"

(Raiden.) "Half brained-"

(Otacon.) "I thought you took care of that?"

(Snake.) "When? I was busy with the guards, I didn't have the time."

(Raiden.) "Nose hair tweezing-"

(Otacon.) "Snake, you snuck around for six minutes before you even noticed a single guard there."

(Snake.) "Yeah, and I didn't want to attract any unwanted attention."

(Raiden.) "Back hair waxing-"

(Otacon.) "Snake, you've got a silencer, remember?"

(Snake.) "Uhhh, no, not really, no."

(Raiden.) "Make-up smeared-"

(Otacon.) "What do you mean 'No'?"

(Snake.) "I mean 'No', as in, I didn't pick it up."

(Raiden.) "Lotion slathered-"

(Otacon.) "What! Why not?"

(Snake.) "The gun just looks cooler without the silencer attached. Sounds better too."

(Raiden.) "Deadbeat, runaway-"

(Otacon.) "Now you're just being stupid."

(Snake.) "I wouldn't expect you to understand."

(Raiden.) "Half thought-out-"

(Otacon.) "Now what's _that_ supposed to mean?"

(Snake.) "Well, you're a support character. You just don't understand what it means to be out in the field."

(Raiden.) "Poorly drawn-"

(Otacon.) "I was in the field on the Big Shell."

(Snake.) "That doesn't count."

(Raiden.) "Low poly-count-"

(Otacon.) "What? Why not?"

(Snake.) "Because you're never a Player Character."

(Raiden.) "Over pixelated-"

(Otacon.) "Urgh. Look, that doesn't matter right now, just go back and get the silencer."

(Snake.) "Uh, I can't."

(Raiden.) "Low resolution-"

(Otacon.) "What? Why not!"

(Snake.) "Because it's one of those areas you can't get back to once you leave."

(Raiden.) "Mono-chrome toned-"

(Otacon.) "...You're kidding."

(Snake.) "Nope, it says so right in the guide."

(Raiden.) "High contrast BITCH!"

(Otacon.) "!"

(Snake.) "!"

(Meryl.) "Oooohhhhh, that does it. You're a dead man now!"

(Otacon/Snake.) "Uh-oh."

(Raiden.) "Hey, what're you doing with that rifle?"

-

(Liquid.) "Are they _ever_ going to stop bickering and open the bloody door? I can't stand here posing dramatically like this all day."

(Ocelot.) "Wait, it's just getting interesting. I think the girl is going to try cracking open the deliveryboy's skull."

(Liquid.) "Do we even need a radio to talk to each other?"

(Ocelot.) "?"


	5. Fourth wall

KSSST...

BWIP!

(Snake.) "This is Snake... Otacon, do you read me?"

(Otacon.) "This is Otacon, I read you loud and clear Snake."

(Snake.) "It's been a long time, Otacon. It's good to hear your voice again."

(Otacon.) "Uh, Snake?"

(Snake.) "I also missed you, sweet lady Nicotine. Aaahhh..."

(Otacon.) "Snake?"

(Snake.) "Sweet sweet carcinogens... I can feel my lungs hardening already."

(Otacon.) "SNAAAAAKE!"

(Snake.) "!"

(Raiden.) "Oh great... Snake must've died again..."

(Meryl.) "Again? That's the fourth time today. Was he trying to teacup those guys again?"

(Raiden.) "That's TEABAG. And no, I think he gave up on that after you shot him in the ass."

(Meryl.) "I was aiming for the grunt's head."

(Raiden.) "Oh, you were aiming for a head alright."

(Meryl.) "What? Was that some sort of sexist, ch-"

(Snake.) "I'm not dead!"

(Raiden.) "!"

(Meryl.) "!"

(Otacon.) "As I was saying... It's only been about a minute since we last spoke Snake."

(Snake.) "Really? It felt more like... One year, eleven months, eight days, seven hours and fif-"

(Otacon.) "Alright! I get it!"

(Meryl.) "Where would you get a weird number like that Snake?"

(Raiden.) "That's what it says on the memory card."

(Meryl.) "What? Memory card?"

(Otacon.) "Now that's just being stupid."

(Snake.) "Oh really? Ok Otacon, switch over to the data save frequency."

(Otacon.) "What? Why?"

(Raiden.) "I think I know where he's going with this..."

(Meryl.) "?"

(Snake.) "Just do it."

(Otacon.) "Fine."

BWIP!

(Otacon/Save.) "Happy now?"

(Snake.) "Now save the data."

... Ding!

(Otacon/Save.) "Now what was this supposed to prove?"

(Raiden.) "Uhh, Snake?"

(Snake.) "Now, check the last saved date on the memory card."

(Raiden.) "Snake?"

(Otacon/Save.) "It's today's date."

(Snake.) "Huh?"

(Raiden.) "Tch..."

(Otacon.) "Really Snake, what are you trying to prove?"

(Snake.) "I don't get it, it should've said-"

(Raiden.) "Snake?"

(Snake.) "-The date of the last saved game."

(Raiden.) "Snake?"

(Otacon.) "Yes, and that's today."

(Snake.) "But I ju-"

(Raiden.) "SNA-"

(Meryl.) "We ALREADY did that joke!"

(Snake) "!"

(Otacon.) "!"

(Raiden.) "What?"

(Meryl.) "The Game Over/Continue screen joke. We did that one."

(Raiden.) "Oh, that you can remember?"

(Meryl.) "Huh?"

(Raiden.) "But you have no idea what a memory card is?"

(Snake.) "..."

(Otacon.) "Snake?"

(Meryl.) "I don-"

(Snake.) "I'm staying out of this one."

(Otacon.) "Good call."

(Raiden.) "You SUCK at breaking the fourth wall!"

(Meryl.) "WHAT?!"

-

(Liquid.) "For the love of God! We've been standing here behind this bloody door for two bloody years now! We could've stolen this damn thing and wiped out several third-world countries before LUNCH! How the bloody hell can three buffoons and a nerd waste so much bloody time?! They're just STANDING there!"

(Ocelot.) "Zzzz..."

(Liquid.) "?"


	6. Revolver Snake

KSSST...

Bwip.

(Snake.) "Ok, enough improv humor. Time to crack open this door, and deal with Revolver Snake."

(Meryl.) "Who?"

(Raiden.) "Don't you mean Liquid Ocelot?"

(Snake.) "Now that just sounds stupid. Who'd be afraid of a small jungle cat made of water?"

(Meryl.) "Of course it's stupid, Blondie came up with it."

(Raiden.) "Shut up Butch. It makes more sense than his."

(Meryl.) "Water cat makes more sense?"

(Snake.) "Face it, I'm an expert at everything."

(Raiden.) "Oh yeah? Then go ahead, Mr. Expert at everything. Explain away."

(Snake.) "A gun that shoots Snakes."

(Raiden.) "..."

(Meryl.) "..."

(Snake.) "What?"

(Raiden.) "A gun..."

(Meryl.) "That shoots..."

(Snake.) "Snakes."

(Raiden.) "Yeah... No."

(Meryl.) "I'm with Blondie on this one. It just sounds stupid now."

(Raiden.) "Thanks, Butch."

(Meryl.) "Go die in a hole."

(Raiden.) "Like that's the first time you've offered your services to a guy before."

(Meryl.) "Why don't you just go off and die you fu-"

(Snake.) "It makes perfect sense. It's the most terrifying weapon in the world."

(Meryl.) "That's just stupid. Snakes aren't that scary."

(Snake.) "Yes I am."

(Raiden.) "No they're n- wait. What?"

(Snake.) "You heard me."

(Meryl.) "..."

(Raiden.) "Let me get this straight. You're talking about a gun."

(Snake.) "Mmhmm."

(Raiden.) "That shoots out copies of you?"

(Snake.) "Yup."

(Meryl.) "..."

(Raiden.) "I take it back, that's terrifying."

(Snake.) "Isn't it? I could take over the world with a few pulls of my index finger."

(Meryl.) "...Mmmm..."

(Raiden.) "Does that mean I wouldn't have to pay rent?"

(Snake.) "Nope."

(Raiden.) "Nice."

(Snake.) "You'll need that money to afford your weekly Snake-Tax."

(Raiden.) "I don't care, I- wait. What?"

(Meryl.) "Mmmm..."

(Snake.) "Weekly Snake-Tax."

(Raiden.) "What the hell is that supposed to be?"

(Snake.) "The tax I charge you schmucks for using up all my air."

(Raiden.) "I take it back. It's a stupid weapon."

(Snake.) "Stupidly awesome."

(Raiden.) "In your new world, is awesome the new way to say stupid?"

(Snake.) "I'm also charging a Raiden-Tax."

(Meryl.) "Mmmm..."

(Raiden.) "Let me guess, the tax for being me."

(Snake.) "Nope. The tax for not kicking your ass on a daily basis."

(Raiden.) "... I hate you."

(Snake.) "And with good reason."

(Meryl.) "MMMMM!"

(Snake.) "!"

(Raiden.) "!"

(Meryl.) "Uh..."

(Raiden.) "What the hell are you doing?"

(Meryl.) "Uh..."

(Raiden.) "With your pants around your-"

(Meryl.) "!"

(Snake.) "Don't stop on my account."

(Raiden.) "?"

(Otacon.) "Ok, I paused the torrent download. I can get season one of Heroes later. Wha'd I miss?"

(Meryl.) "Uh..."

(Snake.) "Meryl's all wet."

(Raiden.) "I want nothing to do with this next scene."

(Otacon.) "Well, it's not like it's the first time."

(Meryl.) "!"

(Raiden.) "I can hear the angry e-mails piling up now."

(Snake.) "And photo requests."

(Meryl.) "SHUUUUT UUUPP!"

(Otacon.) "?"

-

(Liquid.) "I'll die of old age at this rate! It took them over a year to get down a single hallway, at this rate, it'll be six months before they get through that door!"

(Ocelot.) "... Uh-huh..."

(Liquid.) "What- what are you doing there?"

(Ocelot.) "Backing up the security camera feed from the hallway."

(Liquid.) "!"


	7. Numero Uno

KSSST...

Bwip.

(Otacon.) "What? Meryl inserted via the sewers. How could that be taken in a perverted context?"

(Snake.) "... Inserted?"

(Meryl.) "Can we not make this into a bigger deal than it really is?"

(Raiden.) "Yeah, Meryl has her pants down and inserts things all the ti- OW!"

(Meryl.) "Whoops, my finger slipped."

(Raiden.) "Finger my ass! You kicked me!"

(Snake.) "Do what to your ass?"

(Raiden.) "..."

(Meryl.) "..."

(Otacon.) "Even I'm not dense enough to touch that one."

(Snake.) "Touch what?"

(Raiden.) "So then."

(Meryl.) "Ye-ah."

(Otacon.) "..."

(Snake.) "Were you talking about his a-"

(Raiden.) "Metal Gear!"

(Snake.) "Metal Gear?"

(Otacon.) "Oh, not this gag again..."

(Meryl.) "You want to keep talking about Blondie's ass?"

(Otacon.) "..."

(Snake.) "Who's a-"

(Otacon.) "Sigh. Yes Snake, Metal Gear."

(Snake.) "Metal Gear?"

(Otacon.) "Look, just... Open the door, alright?"

(Snake.) "I can't."

(Otacon.) "What? Why not?"

(Snake.) "I don't have the right card."

(Raiden.) "What?"

(Meryl.) "What?"

(Otacon.) "What?"

(Snake.) "Yeah. The door says 'Card 7' and my cards only go up to five."

(Raiden.) "Didn't we just get card five a few minutes ago?"

(Meryl.) "Don't you mean six months ago?"

(Otacon.) "Six months? Why would you say so- wait..."

(Meryl.) "Well, that's what it says on the memor-"

(Raiden.) "Can't you go five minutes without raping a joke?"

(Meryl.) "..."

(Raiden.) "OW!"

(Meryl.) "Oops! My fing- OW!"

(Raiden.) "So did mine."

(Otacon.) "If you BOTH don't stop screwing around, MGS4 will come out before before you even get through the door, and we'll have to start a whole new parody."

(Snake.) "... I don't think anyone wants that. Stick to the script."

(Raiden.) "Didn't we just get card five a few minutes ago?"

(Meryl.) "That's what it says on- wait, hang on. I lost my place."

(Otacon.) "Action related scenes are on red."

(Raiden.) "I thought that was Boss battles?"

(Otacon.) "No, those are on gold."

(Raiden.) "Right. What's green again?"

(Otacon.) "Codec calls."

(Raiden.) "Shouldn't the whole scrip-"

(Otacon.) "Everyone saw that coming a mile away, you realize."

(Raiden.) "Oh."

(Snake.) "I didn't."

(Otacon.) "What?"

(Snake.) "I saw it coming TWO miles away."

(Raiden.) "Ha ha ha. Wise guy."

(Meryl.) "Found it!"

(Raiden.) "Finally. Ahem. Didn't we just get card five a few minutes ago?"

(Meryl.) "You mean from the double Harrier train roof battle?"

(Raiden.) "Man that was an epic battle. I think we blew through half the special effects budget there."

(Meryl.) "I can't believe Snake took down a Harrier on his own, with just a combat knife."

(Snake.) "Yeah, I was a little worried when my arm got sucked into the intake, but, you know how it went."

(Otacon.) "..."

(Raiden.) "And when it crashed into all those armored soldiers, and the RPGs went off."

(Meryl.) "Don't forget the tank convoy attack."

(Snake.) "Yeah, that was a once in a lifetime battle. Anyone who missed that fight doesn't have a reason to live anymore."

(Otacon.) "..."

(Meryl.) "Speaking of that, where did you go Otacon? I don't remember you talking through the entire fight."

(Raiden.) "Uh..."

(Otacon.) "...I was in the bathroom."

(Snake.) "Oooh..."

(Otacon.) "Yeah..."

(Snake.) "Well, since we don't have card seven, we'll just have to backtrack to find it. I'm sure we'll have an even BIGGER fight, with twice the explosions."

(Meryl.) "How do you figure?"

(Snake.) "It's the only way to keep the fans of the series from murdering everyone who worked on the game for making them backtrack so damn much for such stupid reasons."

(Meryl.) "Like getting a sniper rifle, after passing it up for no good reason."

(Snake.) "Exactly. Now, let's move."

(Raiden.) "What th- Snake! What the hell man?"

(Snake.) "What?"

(Raiden.) "That's not a seven."

(Snake.) "Yes it is, check out the funky slash at the top."

(Raiden.) "Yeah, but it's also got a dash across the bottom."

(Snake.) "?"

(Meryl.) "What?! It's a figgin' ONE?!"

(Snake.) "!"

(Raiden.) "Yup."

(Meryl.) "You're telling me we blew the whole damn fic, because of a level one door?"

(Otacon.) "Looks like."

(Snake.) "Come on, it was an honest mistake."

(Raiden.) "Try telling that to the fans. They're gonna be pissed."

(Meryl.) "We're gonna get lynched."

(Raiden.) "I know how this'll end."

(Snake.) "What for?"

(Otacon.) "Do you know how long they've been waiting to finally see the new Metal Gear?"

(Snake.) "Metal Gear?"

(Raiden.) "Called it!"

-

(Liquid.) "What did I tell you? Six bloody months just to get through the door!"

(Ocelot.) "Actually, they haven't gotten around to opening the door yet."

(Liquid.) "AGH!"


End file.
